The Failure of Gender Neutral Parenting (An Embarrassing Personal Story About My Former Worldview)

I can vividly remember the scene of the crime: two boys, under age 4, sat smashing monster trucks on the couch in the living room.

They were playing happily together completely unaware of my adult observations of the moment.

Before that day, my son had never played with a monster truck, and was not even aware of their existence. After that day, he was obsessed. Smashing muddy big-wheeled trucks was now the focus of his awe and excitement.

Of all the emotions I experienced, as I watched this scene, confusion was the most prominent.

My child was suddenly obsessed with a stereotypical male toy, and instead of leaning into curiosity and observation, I started to believe I had failed. I started to believe I had done something wrong.

I hadn’t — but we’ll get to that.

From my worldview, at the time, I conceded that maybe there was no way to prevent a child’s gender from being socially influenced.

What was I supposed to do?

Was I supposed to control what friends he spent time with? Were those friends supposed to be raised by parents who were committed to raising their kids gender neutral too? Was I supposed to introduce more “girl things” to him so as to off-set all the enthusiastic truck smashing?

If you think this sounds insane, please have mercy on me: I was heavily influenced by the dominant culture on Instagram, and I did not know then, what I know now.

Over time, through reflection of this experience with my son, and through a great deal of reading, I realized there were two core ideas that led me to feel ashamed of my son’s expression of stereotypical male behavior:

The core ideas were pushed and planted by those who might call themselves liberal feminists, and they are:

1. Gender is a social construct

2. Masculinity is toxic

These two specific and unchecked ideas were not only driving my worldview, but as an extension, they were also driving my approach to motherhood and parenting.

A large percentage of young parents in America (my former self included) have been programmed to believe that not providing a model, or a template, for a child to adhere to (in terms of gender) is what’s best for a child’s development.

These parents also believe that staying neutral will allow the child to reveal who “they really are.” To them, their child’s self-expression is often viewed as the be-all and end-all in life. These same parents often look to the child as the ultimate guide, and in doing so, an aspect of parenting is completely withheld.

The question we need to ask is this: when we neutralize the male role, and we neutralize the female role, what direction or template are we providing for our children? If we’re automatically saying no to masculinity for boys and no to femininity for girls, what exactly are we saying yes to?

I’d argue that we’re not saying yes to progress, nor diversity, that rather we’re saying yes to potentially confused and fickle children, who lack a clear template, a model, and a roadmap.

Don’t misconstrue my words: I am not stating that the template we offer our boys or our girls is the template that they must adhere to for the duration of their life.

Gender non-conformity is healthy and normal, though it doesn’t spring out of nothing. It grows and flourishes out of raising your son as a son, and your daughter as a daughter.

Big Love,

Jillian Anderson

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